What Makes a Good Friend?

Friendships can be fickle. Even putting aside the middle and high school years, many adult friendships have flimsy foundations. A hobby? A common interest in a sports team?

Other adults have few friends to speak of.

When Jesus told his disciples, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13), he wasn’t only predicting his own cross-directed future. He was giving a lesson on friendship.

Personal Preference?

If you ask ten Christians what it means to be a friend, you might get ten different answers. Some of this is due to personality, background, and preference. But the Bible teaches that all Christian friendships have some common elements.

The basics might be expressed differently. But, like a leaf burn in autumn, the aroma of Christian friendship is distinctive.

Wanting the Best

Good friends want the best for each other. In other words, friends love one another.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)

We need to be committed to our friends for their good. We should get to know them, listen to them, and ask questions to figure out what that “good” is.

In good times and bad, friends remain loyal. Through sins, slights, and offences, they persevere in love.

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24)

Doing Good

Love which only occupies intention is no love at all. A real friend takes action.

We should point our friends repeatedly to Jesus. Sometimes this means support and encouragement, and sometimes it means rebuke.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:6)

A good friend is quick to listen and slow to speak. He gives godly advice when appropriate.

Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. (Proverbs 27:9)

Friends know each other’s weak points, temptations, and sin patterns. They give concrete help in the fight against sin, and they remind each other of God’s grace. They pray for one another.

What a Friend We Have in Jesus

We can usually make more of an impact by being a close friend to a few than being a casual friend to many. We see in the life of the Lord Jesus.

Jesus was and is the best friend we could ever imagine. He is loyal, loving, and ever-present. He is full of grace and wisdom, and he gives both abundantly. He rebukes us and encourages us at the right time and in perfect proportion.

But Jesus is much more than an example. He makes friendship possible. He frees us from our self-focused obsession and gives us love for others.

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

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How to Ask Better Questions

Asking questions is like sending email. We do it many times each day, mostly without thinking. Our patterns are familiar and comfortable.

But questions, like email, are a foundational way we interact with other people. We all have room to improve.

The Importance of Questions

Questions are the way we learn. Without questions, you’ll have no understanding, no wisdom, no growth.

This is obvious in the world of facts and ideas. Where was the bicycle invented? What are the drawbacks of socialism? We don’t often get answers without questions.

But this is also (and more importantly) true with people. Questions drive conversations, and better questions lead deeper. A good question sidesteps small talk and draws out ideas and passions—it makes space to hear a person’s heartbeat.

Because questions are a key way to get to know other people, they are vital for being a neighborly human. And for the Christian, they are essential.

We all want to grow in our love for other people. So how can we improve in this area?

How to Improve

I offer no cheat sheet. You won’t find “5 easy tricks” here.

Instead, I have some hard news: To ask better questions, you need to grow. For most of us, the barrier to good conversations is our selfishness and our lack of love for God and neighbor.

Be Curious

Curious people are a delight. Instead of making polite conversation, they take an interest in you. They make good eye contact, they follow up, and they think about your words before responding.

Curious people are always learning. They are intrigued by everything from sea turtles to Saturn, from the periodic table to the printing press. And curious Christians are fascinated by their neighbors.

Growing in curiosity begins with worshiping God as creator. If God is creative, infinite, and wise, then everything he makes—from bamboo to Barbara in HR—is worth investigating. Any Christian who loves God and worships him as creator will never be bored. Everything is interesting; everyone is interesting.

Curious people reject the simplistic reflex that files people in boxes. He’s a gun-loving Republican. She’s a liberal academic. God makes people individually, and love demands we get to know people instead of making assumptions.

Be Humble

Honest questions involve admitting we don’t know the answer. We speak up because we lack some knowledge or explanation.

But no one likes looking ignorant or naïve. So, depending on the listening audience or our conversation partner, we keep silent. We don’t mind confessing our limitations in the abstract, but when a specific person learns of a specific deficit of ours, it feels like torture.

In order to ask better questions, we must make peace with looking silly. Take a sledgehammer to your fascade of omniscience. God knows everything and you do not. That doesn’t make you weak or stupid, it makes you human. You’re only weak if you care more about the opinion of others than seeking the truth in love.

Listen

Many of us need to hear this word from James again and again.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (James 1:19–20, ESV)

So often we only listen up to a point. We think of a response or a connection to our experience, and we start looking to jump back in. We ignore the other person by looking out for ourselves.

We must repent of selfishness in conversations. We can only ask good questions as we hear the other person and advance the conversation accordingly.

Listening requires a loving focus on the other person. With man this is impossible, but all things are possible with God because of Jesus.

Love Your Neighbor

Christians must be concerned about loving our neighbors, and the skill of asking good questions is crucial for the spread of the gospel.

Evangelism is much more than keeping a tally of monthly gospel shares. This approach makes the gospel seem like a water balloon we’re just waiting to pop over a person’s head. (Got one!) It smooths out distinctions between people and implies our task is limited to one conversation. We’re tempted to shoehorn the gospel in where it doesn’t belong or where its introduction is premature.

The gospel is rich, full, and deep, and it answers all of life’s questions and difficulties. But if we don’t know our friend’s struggles, they won’t see how the gospel addresses them personally.

Think through your conversational patterns and repent of them where appropriate. Take up the task of asking good questions of your friends. And pray for opportunities to introduce them to Jesus.

This isn’t just strategic and winsome, it’s the loving way forward.


Some of the ideas in this post were inspired by an interview with the author Malcolm Gladwell on Tim Ferriss’s podcast. Skip ahead to the 41-minute mark to hear Gladwell talk about the best question-asker he knows: his father.

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What My Daughter Taught Me About Joy

There was a fight in my house on Sunday morning. A big one.

We separated the combatants, and no one was badly hurt. I’m not sure what started the conflict, but I was relieved to hear the elephant was not involved.

Making the Bed

One morning a few months ago, my youngest daughter (4) was taking longer than usual to make her bed. It was Sunday and I was trying to herd my children toward the car.

I entered her room and saw her deep in thought and narration. After straightening her pillow, sheet, and comforter, she was arranging some stuffed animal friends on top of the bed. This was serious business.

The animals were going to church. The sanctuary (the bed) was all prepared and the preacher (a penguin) was ready to give his address from the pulpit (the pillow).

We’ve seen a similar drama unfold every Sunday since. There isn’t often conflict, but there is always a story.

Story and Joy

My children are constantly in the midst of a story. Their creativity bubbles and overflows, and I love it. (I blame and thank their mother.)

To me, making the bed is an easy, necessary task to complete as quickly as possible. I grumble throughout and take no pleasure in the chore.

But where I complain, my youngest delights. And she teaches me about her Creator.

Reflecting Our Creator

My daughter approaches work much more like God than I do.

He created and proclaimed it good. In every blue sky scattered with cottonball clouds, in every mud puddle begging for boots, in every colorful October leaf shower, can you see God’s playfulness? His delight? His pleasure in creating, sustaining, and spinning our earth on his finger?

Since joy is a fruit of the Spirit, God must be the most joyous. This, despite so many efforts to paint him as severe, brooding, and dour. He is no British matriarch on PBS.

Yes, God is holy and his holiness demands obedience. But holiness is not drudgery. Obedience is not grim. For the Christian, growth in obedience parallels growth in joy.

Our Source of Joy

I don’t mean our lives are all balloons and confetti. But the joy of the Lord is deep, warm, and abiding. This joy remains precisely because it doesn’t depend on circumstances.

Our joy is rooted in a restored, permanent relationship with God. We have the promise of a future with him and a foretaste of it now. That God makes this joy available and free to his enemies is unimaginable.

And yet, there was a great cost to providing this joy. Though it was for “the joy set before him,” Jesus endured the cross. Because of our sin, Jesus’s joyous fellowship with God was broken for a time so we might know the unending joy of reconciliation with the Father.

Imagine not just the confusion and wonder at the discovery of the empty tomb, but picture the joy that first Easter morning. Jesus is alive! Death is not the champion—Jesus is!

Pursue Joy in the Lord

While stunning and earth-shattering, this truth has practical implications: more smiling, more singing, less complaining. This godly joy should trickle and seep into every second of every day.

Because God is king and Jesus is alive, we can find joy in even the most mundane tasks. Just ask my daughter—she’d be glad to show you.

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Children: A Blessed Interruption

I started a recent Saturday morning with a sigh. It was time for one of my least favorite tasks: grading.

Grading for a professor is like sweeping the floor for a barber. It’s necessary, tedious, and often a hairy mess.

I was hoping to finish in an hour. I sat down with a red pen and braced myself. Then, the barrage began.

Daddy, can you watch me dance?
Daddy, can you make me breakfast?
Daddy, will you help me with this puzzle?
Daddy, my sister is bothering me!

Abundant tears. Disappointment galore. (My children had a rough time, too.)

One hour stretched into two. As with so much of parenting, this was not what I planned.

Children Are Interrupters

Interruptions and parenting go hand in hand. Every parent-to-be hears this, but it’s hard to grasp the new reality until it arrives.

For mothers, disruptions begin early as the child takes over her body during pregnancy. Unplanned clothing, cravings, emotions, pains, and trips to the bathroom mark those nine months.

During their first years of life, children survive through interruptions. They broadcast their needs at all hours and volumes.

While those early-year disturbances don’t disappear, they gradually change. Feedings, diaper changes, and 3am lullabyes give way to snack requests, scraped knees, and 3am counseling.

This isn’t unusual; this is parenting.

God is an Interrupter

I often brush aside these intrusions as meaningless accidents. Surely (I say to myself) the important parts of life lie elsewhere: adult conversations, work, community service, prayer, reading, church.

But God is an interrupter. Just ask Noah, Abraham, Moses, David, Paul, or anyone that encountered Jesus.

Because he is sovereign, none of our interruptions come by chance. Some people use the term “divine appointment,” but that’s too tame. God disrupts our lives more like a rock through the window than a polite meeting request.

Learning Through Interruptions

God’s interruptions are more than a detour. His diversions don’t just lead to the correct path, they are the path. God teaches through disruption.

Consider Moses. God used Moses’ curiosity about the burning bush (Exodus 3:3) to reveal his name (Exodus 3:6,14–15), give Moses his mission (Exodus 3:10), and pledge his presence (Exodus 3:12). God didn’t just end Moses’ shepherding career, he gave Moses spiritual supplies for his new, enormous task.

We must embrace not only the result of God’s interventions but the interventions themselves. We need to see the opportunity, not the annoyance.

Which brings me back to my children.

Learning With My Children

I need these parenting interruptions. I need to be shaken from self-centeredness and reminded of how important my children are. I have only a finite number of dances to watch, breakfasts to prepare, and puzzles to build.

Yes, life with children is hard. But it is good, too.

God teaches me though my children’s requests, their needs, their disagreements, and even their disobedience. He shines a light on my heart, my requests, and my disobedience. He graciously shapes my character as I learn how to respond and how to love.

I’m grateful for God’s instructions. The question is: Will I listen?

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Lord, Teach Me to Hunger

I can’t remember the last time I was hungry.

Not another-Oreo-would-hit-the-spot hungry. Not grab-a-granola-bar-mid-afternoon hungry. I mean honest, echoes-in-the-stomach hungry. I suspect I’m not alone.

I thank God for this. Many people around the world—and plenty in my own town—ache for food. God has (to this point) spared me this distress, and I’m grateful.

But I have often been a poor steward of God’s provision. I have used food to push hunger away, rejecting my body’s built-in notification system. In eating and snacking (and snacking and snacking), I have insulated myself against feeling my need.

The physical risks of this habit are obvious, but the danger runs deeper.

A Spiritual Problem

Notice the centrality of hunger and thirst in these three passages from the Bible.[1]

Matthew 5:6

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Psalm 42:1-2

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?

Psalm 63:1

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Hunger, thirst, pants, faints. The Bible uses the language of our bodies to describe a heart inclined toward God.

Can you hear the desperation in these words? “To hunger” doesn’t mean to want to eat very much. Hunger is the body’s testimony to the necessity of food.

Read those verses again. God is not a take-or-leave bedtime snack; he is our sustenance.

More Than Hunger

Analogies depend on a known reference. Jesus’s claim to be the Good Shepherd (John 10:11) is meaningless unless his audience was familiar with sheep. The Israelites knew about consuming fires (Deut. 4:24) because of their daily cooking and worship habits.

So if the Bible urges us to hunger for God, physical hunger should not be so rare in our lives. Bodily hunger brings the spiritual reality into the physical realm; it points us toward proper desires. But God uses more than hunger.

Grief, loneliness, waiting—these feelings and experiences of wanting and lacking are all a gift from God. They show us our lack of control and our need for help outside ourselves.

When we make it our goal—always unspoken—to avoid any trace of these feelings, we lose a powerful guide. We reject pictures and lessons from God designed to draw us to him.

Satisfied in Jesus

In the context of asserting his oneness with the Father (see John 6:30), Jesus made this remarkable statement.

“I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.” — John 6:35

This is glorious—our spiritual hunger is temporary! God gives the longing and provides the fulfillment. Because of the work of Jesus, this ultimate satisfaction is for everyone who comes.

Implications for Today

In God, and because of Jesus, we will be completely satisfied. We have present-day glimpses of that satisfaction, but we await the fullness. What does that mean for today?

I’ve realized I need these feelings. Hunger, thirst, grief, loneliness—they remind me of my dependence and God’s thorough provision, both now and in the future. God supplies everything I require, from the smallest reassurance to my greatest need—God himself.

God brought me to this issue through food, so I’m starting with physical hunger. Over the past two months I have been snacking less and fasting more. Small steps, to be sure, but I hope God will use them to build within me a longing for him and the confidence that he will satisfy my deepest hunger pangs.

[1] There are many more passages like this. Here’s a small sample: Psalm 119:81, Rev 22:17, Psalm 107:8-9, Psalm 143:6, Psalm 84:1-2.

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Jesus, the Moka Pot, and Me

My wife loves coffee. When the mood strikes, she breaks out this little classic, the Moka pot.

It’s easy: tuck grounds and water into their assigned quarters, then draw out the good stuff on the stove. Add water or milk to taste.

This Italian friend delivers a tasty beverage and makes my wife happy. And yet, I hate the Moka pot.

I am aware this is not rational.

Whose Mess?

My main issue: the Moka pot is not dishwasher-safe. In our house, this means I scrub the bugger.

Now the Moka pot isn’t difficult to wash by hand. Some disassembly is required, but I can clean everything without much fuss. Two or three minutes, tops.

In my mind, however, this process takes hours of tortuous labor. So, far too often, I ignore the Moka pot. He awaits cleansing by the side of the pool, for he has no one to lower him into the waters.

But my sin goes beyond mere neglect—there’s a dangerous storm brewing in my heart. That’s not mine, it’s hers. Why should I have to wash it when she’s the one who dirtied it? Why should I have to clean up her mess?

This thinking is not just silly and selfish. It may just be blasphemous.

Telling Lies

Consider this well-known verse.

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. (Eph 5:23)

Douglas Wilson has noted this is not a command but rather a statement of fact. And the comparison in this verse should drive Christian husbands to their knees.

Every marriage, everywhere in the world, is a picture of Christ and the church. Because of sin and rebellion, many of these pictures are slanderous lies concerning Christ. But a husband can never stop talking about Christ and the church. If he is obedient to God, he is preaching the truth; if he does not love his wife, he is speaking apostasy and lies—but he is always talking. If he deserts his wife, he is saying that this is the way Christ deserts His bride—a lie. If he is harsh with his wife and strikes her, he is saying that Christ is harsh with the church—another lie. If he sleeps with another woman, he is an adulterer, and a blasphemer as well. How could Christ love someone other than His own Bride? (Reforming Marriage, p.25)

He is always talking. Ouch. What am I saying about Christ as I leave the Moka pot dirty?

If I am unwilling to clean up my wife’s mess, I’m lying to the world about Christ’s love for the church. I’m saying that Jesus leaves the Church to wash herself, to fix her own problems.

What’s the Truth?

Praise God that this life-sermon I preach about Jesus is not true! Instead of neglecting the church and leaving her responsible for her own purity, Jesus cleansed the church “so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” (Eph 5:27) Further, since God took initiative in our salvation (Rom 5:8), my laziness and neglect toward my wife are not the last word.

In his mercy, God lifts my gaze from my lies to his truth. This is worth proclaiming and sharing far and wide!

If you’d like to discuss it, I know a beverage we can share.


Note: I still appreciate the Wilson quote used in this article, but I wouldn’t point people to his teaching now in the way I might have when I first wrote this.

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Why Most Productivity Advice Doesn’t Help

Turning to the internet for productivity advice might sound like searching for a nutritionist at KFC. But you can find wheat amid the cat-video chaff. Set smart goals. Use good tools. Make realistic to-do lists. And so on.

The Main Problem

Despite all the practical tips, I’ve been disappointed. Most articles, even from wise Christians, don’t address the biggest barrier to my productivity.

That would be me.

That’s right—I’m the biggest obstacle. Even when I’m in a good location with clear goals and a dynamite to-do list, the fact is that sometimes I don’t want to work. I’d much rather read, sleep, or sort my paperclips. Work is hard.

In my flesh, I’m a lazy man. I’m addicted to comfort, ease, and pleasure. No matter what the newest productivity book says, the main reason I don’t accomplish what I should is that I’m a sinner. My heart wants the wrong things.

God’s Standard

Work has been around since the beginning; it was God’s idea well before the fall of man (Gen 2:7–9, 15–17). And God has clear expectations.

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. (Col 3:23–24)

For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living. (2 Thess 3:10–12)

To these commands we can add the numerous examples and warnings in Proverbs. There we see the terrible consequences of laziness and the rewards of hard work and planning. (See, for example, Proverbs 6:6–11; 10:4–5; 13:4.)

I wilt under these standards in God’s word. I see my sin in sharp contrast, and I know the way forward is confession and repentance. But what does repentance look like?

Hope for the Lazy

Once I confess my laziness, change isn’t as simple as telling myself to work hard. That’s just a restatement of the law. Knowing God’s standard is essential, but I also need a heart that wants good things, that pumps the right motivation clear down to my toes. The first step, then, is obvious: God, please change my heart!

In part, God transforms us as we understand and believe the truth. Because the gospel of Jesus Christ addresses and transforms all of life, this includes my work. So I return to these gospel principles.

God’s work covers mine. In Christ, God has done the most important work for me—work I could never do myself. He has atoned for my sins and kept the law perfectly to make me righteous. My motivation for work must flow down from this mountain spring.

I belong to God. He has created and redeemed me; I am his and I answer to him. My name is written beautifully in heaven, so I don’t have to scrawl it in the dust of earth. From God, my big-picture tasks are to do good to others and make his name known.

God approves of me. He loves me as his son. This must be my dominant feedback, above the most recent or loudest evaluation from my students, colleagues, deans, or any larger community.

I live for others. Because I have been freed and bought with a price, I can freely live for others. I have this charge from God and the Spirit-given ability to do it. As Matt Perman writes in What’s Best Next, “generosity is to be the guiding principle for our lives.” (p.87)

In other words, love should fuel my work. I must put aside ego, fear, and every selfish motivation. Because I am loved, I can work my tail off to love others. What does this mean?

…take the energy you have for meeting your own needs and use that as the measure of the energy you use in seeking the good of others. Desire and seek the good of others with the same passion, creativity, and perseverance as you seek your own. (What’s Best Next, p.88)

Battle On

I still fight an hourly campaign against laziness. But when God gives me victory, it’s usually because I glimpse my standing as a child of God by grace and my opportunity to do good to others. Then, when I am thinking clearly (i.e., believing truth) about my work, I can turn to advice about productivity with some profit.

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Pride in the Parking Lot

On a bright Saturday morning in the spring, I drove to the grocery story to pick up a few items. The day was full of promise.

We were enjoying a weekend visit from my wife’s parents. After gathering some supplies for the homestead, I planned to work for a few hours at the office and then enjoy the afternoon and evening with my family and in-laws.

When I tried to leave the grocery store parking lot, the car gave only a mild attempt at starting. It was as though I had tried to rouse the car after a late-night rager; it acknowledged my presence, turned over once, then retreated under the covers. We both knew it wasn’t getting out of bed any time soon.

Waiting

While I waited for my wife and mother-in-law, I tried to start the car several more times. I’ve dealt with a dead car battery before, but these noises sounded different. With no particular automotive expertise, I decided there must be a problem with the starter, not the battery. When my mother-in-law suggested that we try to jump start the car, I brushed the idea aside, convinced my diagnosis was sound.

AAA assured me a tow truck would be there within the hour. That seemed reasonable. I read a book with the car windows down, enjoying the parking lot bouquet of carbon monoxide[1] and warming asphalt. Soon one hour turned into three. A tow truck driver finally arrived and I offered my expert opinion about the faulty starter. He proposed we try to jump the car anyway. Given his profession (not to mention his muscles and tattoos), this was no proposal—it was the plan. But I was sure this attempt would fail.

Immediately, powerfully, triumphantly, the car started. Like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber. I could not have been more wrong.

This kind driver obviously dealt with proud idiots of my caliber on a regular basis. He smiled, shook my hand, and instructed me to drive directly to the auto parts store. I replaced the battery and returned home five or six hours after departing.

Lessons About Pride

God has convicted me of pride before (and I’ve written about pride once or twice), but this was a technicolor example. Here are some lessons I hope to learn about noticing and combating pride.

  1. Be careful of insisting that you are right. — This boils down to the fundamental Biblical command that we should not think too highly of ourselves. This applies when we are experts in a field. It certainly applies when we are not.
  2. Be willing to listen to others. — Had I listened to my dear mother-in-law I would have saved a lot of time that Saturday. And who was I to scoff at the expertise of the tow truck driver? We cannot and will not listen to others unless we are humble, unless we believe that we need other people. (This is a good thing to believe, because God says it is true.) Hear ye the proverb: “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2).
  3. Beware the trap of the stubbornness of pride. — Pride seemes to brings with it a certain isolating stubbornness. As I sat in the parking lot, I was not only full of complaints but I was also strangely smug. There is a wicked satisfaction in being the only one in the world who is right, with all arrayed in splendor against you. In the grip of pride, I can actually enjoy this isolation. I head into a self-congratulatory cycle with my ears closed to outside voices.

We can combat pride by growing in humility, thinking accurately about ourselves and our God. I recommend a heaping dose of the Bible (just about anywhere will do, but Job 38–41 is a fine place to start) along with relationships with people who will be honest with you.

[1] I know this is odorless, just go with me.

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A Primer on Encouragement

After the uproar ceased, Paul sent for the disciples, and after encouraging them, he said farewell and departed for Macedonia. When he had gone through those regions and had given them much encouragement, he came to Greece. (Acts 20:1,2 ESV)

When studying this passage in Sunday school this spring, we had to address the question, “What is encouragement?” “Encouragement” is one of those Christian-y words that can bring a soft, Precious Moments haze to our thinking. We often use it as a replacement for “feeling good.” I was encouraged to know you were thinking about me when my father was in the hospital. But is that what this word really means?

What is Encouragement?

If we are to interpret Acts 20 correctly, we need to learn what “encourage/encouragement” means. Additionally, since we are charged with “encourag[ing] one another” as a Biblical imperative (1 Thess 5:11), this is not only a matter of interpretation, but obedience.

A quick Bible search will help. Frequently the words translated “encourage” are used in parallel with other words or phrases which mean “to strengthen” or “to build up.” This can be seen in 1 Thess 5:11, Deut 3:28, Acts 15:32, and 1 Cor 14:3. There is also a note on 1 Cor 8:10 in the ESV that indicates “fortified” or “built up” is an appropriate way to translate this word. We should further consider the meaning of the English word “encourage,” since translations from Hebrew and Greek take this definition into account: this dictionary suggests that “encourage” means “to inspire with courage, spirit, or confidence,” “to stimulate by assistance,” or “to promote, advance, or foster.” “Embolden” and “hearten” are listed as synonyms for “encourage.”

How to Give Encouragement

How are you strengthened? How are you built up? It may give you a warm feeling to know that someone is thinking of you or missing you, but does that really strengthen you? Does that equip you for the challenges and tasks that lie ahead of you? How are you emboldened or heartened in your Christian walk?

Before offering some practical suggestions on encouragement, let me make one appeal. Encouragement is individual. Though there are some activities or approaches that apply broadly, the work of encouragement within a local church must be preceded by the work of getting to know your neighbor. While a preacher or leader can encourage a congregation from the front of the sanctuary, encouragement is more meaningful and effective on a smaller scale. If you know how your friend is wired and you are aware of his or her particular struggles, you will be much more effective in your encouragement.

With that said, here are four ways to encourage a brother or sister in Christ.

Speak Gospel Words

Often the most encouraging action is a loving reminder of the gospel. When we are lonely, dejected, or mourning, we need to be reminded of God’s faithful, unconditional love. When our lives seem overrun with disappointment and failure, sorrow and sadness, we need to hear again of our great savior, Jesus and his work on our behalf. We must be careful not to bring the gospel to our believing friends in a trite, little-orphan-Annie sort of way. (“The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar!”) But if our speech is seasoned with salt and we are frequently conversing about the things of God, reminding a friend about what is true will be natural, loving, and encouraging. Remember, the enemy of our souls wants us to forget this great truth in favor of believing his lies. We will fight against Satan and the darkness within by speaking the truth in love to one another.

Pray

This is one of the ways I have felt the most genuine encouragement over the years. A friend who is praying for me is doing far more than merely thinking of me—he is lifting my concerns up before the God of the universe. And, in his mysterious way, this is how God carries out his plan. How emboldening it is to know that someone is asking the only one who has ultimate power to work on my behalf, pleading that his will be done!

Prayer by itself will encourage, because God really does hear, provide strength, and work. But telling a brother about your prayers for him can accomplish much within his heart.

Identify God’s Work

When you feel trapped in a stubborn sin pattern, you might despair of God’s grace. You might believe the lie that you are not growing, and maybe you’re not God’s child at all. Enter a friend. With a bit of distance from your struggle, he can remind you how much growth God has given you in the last year or six months. What an encouragement it is to know that God has not abandoned me over a long period of time, and that he is at work in me! And if God has been at work in me over the past year, and if his word says he is committed to me, why wouldn’t he continue to work in my life? In my experience, the more specific you can be here, the better.

Give Practical Help

In the way that an archer is emboldened to stand and fire his arrows if he does not also have to hoist his shield, so we can strengthen our friends for good works by shouldering some special or everyday burdens for them. By babysitting you may free a couple to strengthen their marriage on a date; by supplying a meal, you may give that sick mother another crucial hour to rest; by swooping in with a mop, broom, and sponge you may teach that single man some of the skills he needs to make his apartment more inviting for the members of his evangelistic Bible study group. Remember, encouraging is more than doing something nice—this is no mere muffin-delivery service. The goal behind an act of encouragement is to strengthen and build up.

Showing God to Others

In the end, encouragement is one way to image our God to a fellow Christian. We can speak to, work for, and hug our friends in a way that provides a small echo of the earth-shaking ways God has spoken to, worked for, and loved us.

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Truth and the Silver Screen

“The book was better.”

I loathe this saying. Maybe I’m being overly sensitive, but I think I have some good reasons. Book lovers are already squirming in their seats and readying their arguments. But hear me out. We can still be friends.

These are totally different forms of storytelling. Apples and oranges. Film combines too many mediums of communication to be compared to books. Pretty much all forms of art are encompassed in film, from photography and theater to music and dance. A good film will feed your eyes and ears information in ways and at speeds that a book never could. 

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a 90-minute film at 25 frames per second is 135,000,000 words, or reading the Bible (757,439 words) 178 times! Or reading the entire Bible once every 2 minutes! 

“I liked the book better.”

Or “The book was a better book than the movie was a movie.”

Either of these are fine. You’re allowed to like books more than movies. And there are a lot of bad movies out there. Both books and movies are trying to tell a story, and both can succeed or fail. And maybe that’s all people mean when they say the book was better. So I might be splitting hairs. Either way, I hope we can agree that films are different from books and therefore deserve their own conversation.

“Christian film” and Innocence

I’ve seen two main schools of thought when people try to define the category of “Christian film.” The first is whether it’s explicitly Christian, often determined by the explicit gospel doctrine in the film. For instance, some would say it’s not a “Christian film” unless the gospel is proclaimed. Christians debate this. I can go either way with the definition.

The second characteristic is how “clean” the film is. This is often the bigger conversation when selecting a film, and with good reason. Should Christians watch movies with sex scenes? Or swearing? What about drug use? Or violence? Or tragic themes? Or (fill in the blank)?

If you only watch “Christian” films then these questions are easier to answer. But the vast majority of films out there present more of a challenge. Most are a mixture of good and questionable content. How much questionable content can a film contain before it is “bad?” Conversely, does a simple lack of questionable content automatically make a film “good?”

I’m not going to answer these questions for you. Rather, I want to back up a bit and consider the more fundamental concept of innocence.

I’ve never done drugs. I am naïve to that experience. And while films are powerful, I’m not going to get a high from watching the wrong movie. But there are legitimate ways in which we as Christians may have our innocence threatened by a movie. Their power may be limited but they are powerful nonetheless. We must therefore be careful when selecting the culture we consume because innocence is quickly lost and often lost for good.

This is a familiar struggle for parents. Right now my kids are young and largely oblivious to foul language. That is going to change as they grow older, but I don’t want it to come before they are equipped to handle it, nor do I want it to come because of my negligence.

This is important because there are many well-made films out there that contain content with the potential to change our levels of innocence. We must be discerning in how we select films for ourselves and our families. It’s okay to not watch a film.

How should we watch?

But maybe you like watching films. Let’s assume we aren’t watching anything inappropriate. Now, how should Christians watch movies? 

Every film asks the viewer to suspend their disbelief in some way. The creators want us to set aside our skepticism and enter into the story. They tell us how their world works and we need to believe it if we want to enter in. It can be something easy, like forgetting that these are actors; or something hard, like acknowledging superpowers. The key here is that disbelief is suspended, not eliminated, as if you left it at the door or set it on the shelf for a time. We all enter back into our world at the end of the film and reinstate our disbelief.

Sometimes we want to escape our reality, turn off our brains, and get lost in the silver screen. Sometimes we want to feel something more deeply, be it humor, fear, triumph, loss, love, etc. Whatever your mood, I encourage you to start by looking for the value declarations and compare them to the truths of Scripture. Not everyone wants to be so critical of each and every film they watch but consuming films mindlessly is dangerous. Why? Because entering these worlds is always an intimate experience where we intentionally lower our guard.

Value declarations are statements of how the world works or should work. Sometimes they are insightful and profound. Other times they are shallow and misguided. We need to be careful that we don’t casually adopt poor values into our lives simply because we’ve seen them promoted in film. Watching movies with other Christians, or talking about films you’ve both seen, is one way to do this better.

I especially enjoy films that manage to hit on deeper biblical truths, such as the consequences of wrong action, the emptiness of success, or the beauty of sacrifice. Usually this is simply due to an honest portrayal of the human condition and the consequences of actions. Films can immerse us in real human experiences, offering brutally honest critiques. Unfortunately, apart from the gospel, most films fall short when they try to provide good solutions to these critiques. I leave those solutions to the Bible… okay so maybe that book is better.

A Few Recommendations

Here are some movies that have resonated with me over the years. 

1. North to Alaska (1960) – John Wayne, Capucine

A comedy out of time. Let’s talk about toxic masculinity, using privilege to stand up for others, no means no, and how we treat those with immoral reputations. This film contrasts with the “typical” John Wayne film in many ways but I suggest comparing the final chase scene with that of Donovan’s Reef (1963) or McLintock! (1963). 

Parent’s Guide – IMDB

2. The Fall (2006) – Lee Pace, Catinca Untaru

This film is confusing, and therefore many people don’t like it. But at its core it is a heartfelt story of a despairing man and a sweet child. The beautiful cinematography invites you to see the world through the imagination of a little girl while the themes of trust, manipulation, and suicide are tackled above her head. As a dad it made me cry.

Parent’s Guide – IMDB

3. The Thin Man (1934) – William Powell, Myrna Loy

This husband and wife duo stand out in this 1930s masterpiece. I’m always struck by how much fun these two have in a time when marriage was usually the butt of the joke. Solving murders, personal vices (alcohol), or former girlfriends—nothing can get between these two. The best part is that they made five sequels!

Parent’s Guide – IMDB

4. Surf’s Up (2007) – Shia LaBeouf, Zooey Deschanel

A kids movie on the heels of big blockbuster Happy Feet (2006). But this ripoff is so much better. Chasing your dreams, meeting your heroes, making friends, seeking fame, and what really matters are all questions this film asks. Stylishly told through a reality TV camera. Also the water is beautiful in that end scene!

Parent’s Guide – IMDB

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